Dear Daughter

I close my eyes and I still have chills remembering your birthday. It has been a little over a month already and it seems like yesterday.

Time goes by so fast and we can’t stop it. I believe that is one of the most important lessons you will learn in life. I know each day is unique and won’t come back so I promise I will treasure every moment we get to spend together.

Now, I must tell you, I am certainly not a guru and I am sure there will be times when I will not have an answer to your questions, but you can be sure I will do my best so we can both learn.

I have been dreaming about you for a long time now. Yes, I thought and dreamed about you a lot, and actually I wasn’t sure if the time to hold you in my arms will come, but I kept dreaming, praying and hoping…. It was tough, and while I wanted so badly to have you, at the same time I knew that maybe it was something not meant to be for me. That is one more thing you will learn. In this world, there are times when we can’t have all we want, we can work hard but there are factors beyond human reasoning and understanding that also play their role and we must accept it. So I did, and I prayed just to have the strength to overcome whatever was planned and hoped for the best.

Hope has always my best companion and it all has finally paid off because suddenly, you have become part of my life. I don’t want to lead yours, or influence it with my own fears and expectations. I just want to be there with you, every time you need me, offering my hands and my heart, so you can learn to build your own path at your own pace!

The sign

I have always believed that things happen for a reason. Sometimes it is difficult to realize it as we have many why’s with no apparent answer…. We can’t, and most likely we will never find an answer but there is one…

On April 23rd, just after our daughter was born my OB/GYN was closing my incision and I heard him asked one of his assistants to call his office and tell the nurse to reschedule his afternoon’s appointments as he had a mass service to attend. As I heard him, I realized that day was the first month’s anniversary of his daughter trip to heaven and I felt bad…. It must have been a very difficult day, emotionally, for him and his family, and there he was, attending my emergency.

If you remember, I shared with you in one of my March’s posts that I felt heart broken for him and his family when I knew about the accident …. Off course I didn’t choose to have an emergency on the same day, one month later,… it wasn’t my fault, but I felt bad that it happened exactly on the same day.

The day after my c-section, when he came into our hospital room to see how I was doing and how my incision was healing, I took the chance to tell him again how we really appreciated his support and the way he handled things as we knew it must have been a very difficult day for him and his family.

He stared back at us with a smile…. Then he told us that he usually don’t pay attention to dates and that it doesn’t matter if it was the first month anniversary or not, he has obviously bad days and better days, no matter what, emotionally….. and while he doesn’t pay too much attention to dates, sometimes things happen to make him do so…

….Now, that he has a girl in heaven, he told us he has someone else to pray to besides God and that the day of my emergency he thought of her and he was amazed when the nurse said the time when our daughter was born, it was exactly the same time when her daughter went to heaven a month earlier…. Moreover, orange was the favorite color of her daughter and in the NICU our daughter got the orange room....

The more I think about it, the more I convince myself that it was a sign that she wanted to send to her family, to let them know that she is indeed leaving happily in heaven because her mission with us had been fulfilled and it was about time to start taking care of an even greater mission, way beyond human reasoning and understanding.

My life these days!

Since my emergency took us all by surprise and these days are really hectic at the office with 2 big projects, I am working from home. I spend my days trying to find a nice balance between taking care of our little girl, nursing and/or pumping and keeping up with what’s going on at the office. As you can imagine, it may take me a while to type the logs I have in paper about R’s daily progress while she was in the NICU, so for now I just want to let you know that she was released from the hospital on Monday May 5th 2008.

I just can’t find words to express how emotional that day were for us. We were extremely happy to be fortunate enough to be leaving the hospital with our little girl in our arms and there were a lot of tears shed as we left the NICU. The T and I cried, laughed and we hugged each other for a while. I can't really explain how many things went through my mind in that moment, it was a very special experience...

It surely was the most emotional day of our lives...

The dream we had hope for so long, and once thought almost impossible, was fulfilled…

….it was reality!

Today it’s been 4 weeks since she was born and we are doing great. She is really a little angel and I believe we are both learning together. She is not cranky at all, usually when she cries is because either she’s hungry, wet or want to pass some gas that is disturbing her. I am really enjoying every minute we spent together…… I could be staring at her eyes forever… it is an amazing feeling!

On the feeding side, I am breastfeeding her and so far, so good. While she was at the NICU I pumped and once the doctors let me I started to nurse her while still at the hospital and I have continued at home. I believe my milk supply is OK and I hope to keep breastfeeding at least for the first 6 months.

On a different note, I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight since the first week after delivery and I am NOT proud of it because I am on the skinny side and I was hoping to keep a few extra pounds!!!… I am very concerned actually because I really want to be healthy so I have already started getting daily supplements. I haven’t gained any extra pounds but at least I am not loosing more. I have an appointment with my OB/GYN next week and one more with my endocrinologist the week after. Let’s see what they think about it. For now I am doing my best to eat well and healthy, and I will stay on the supplements.

I’ve been trying to download the pictures from my camera so I can share a few but I haven’t been successful…. But I promise I will post a few as soon as I am able to do so.

I hope you all have a great week and thank you, thank you again for being here!

My first blogging award!

I must admit I do not consider myself a great blogger!!!….

I just get too busy with my day to day life that sometimes is hard to find the time to come, write and share my feelings. And I know I am wrong because it really helps me a lot because through blogging I have been able to feel relieved and grow-up as a person not only as I write but also as I read your stories .... and I hope you can learn at least a “little” from what I write.

As Kathy, I met the blogging world through Sommer's. I haven’t had the honor to meet her in person but I found her blog shortly after I was first diagnosed with P..O..F.. At that time she was already pregnant with her twins and I remember how I felt inspired by her story. I enjoyed reading her updates, hoping to someday be in the same place she was, enjoying pregnancy after a long IF road….

Through Sommer’s I found Kathy’s blog. As soon as I started to read her I felt a strong connection and as I read more, the more I learned from her. She is such a great woman and has a great attitude towards life that it is hard not to feel comforted with her feelings and thoughts!

Today, I feel honored because despite not considering myself a good blogging buddy, I received my first blogging award from Kathy.

Kathy, I want to thank you very much not only for being who you are and for being always here to support us, but also for letting me be part of your blogging world by reading and sharing yours.

Now, it is my time to pass on this award. It is hard because most of you have already been awarded ….. But this time and I am thrilled to give it to Tina!

Tina, is a fellow blogger that found me and has been following our story, always supporting us. She also has suffered from primary IF and is now happily pregnant with twins.

Well, last but not least thank you all for being here, thank you for taking the time to visit and leave your comments….. I really appreciate it and with every comment you can be sure you make my days go easy!

The Birth Story...

Thanks again for your comments and for keep coming even though I haven't been updating often. It is hard to find time these days but be sure that I will post every detail.... and I assume I must start with the whole birth story, so here it is....

Wednesday April 23rd, 2008

It was a beautiful sunny morning. I felt pretty good, just a little bit more tired and “heavy” than usual but nothing to be concerned about. I took a nice shower and my day started. There were 2 big projects on their crucial time at the office, so the days were just flying…

The morning went by fairly quick. It was lunchtime already and as I was trying to adjust the back of my chair when I felt a warm gush….

…and it wasn’t a little….

…It was a lot!

I was wearing navy blue pants and my chair is black so I couldn’t see any color. At the beginning I thought that my water had broke. 3 of my coworkers were there and I told them as I sat down again to call my OB/GYN. I told to the nurse, his assistant and was instructed to go straight to the ER, my OB would be there to check things up. I call the T to let him know what was happening and he was going to pick me up at my office. I started to gather my things and as I stood up again the flow just started running by my legs and in a few seconds my sandals were soaked….

Soaked in bright red blood…. It wasn’t my water!

I sat down again and call my OB one more time, I told the nurse it wasn’t my water and she told me to go to the ER immediately. I called the T again and told him to meet me in the ER, I couldn’t wait for him to come and pick me up. One of the drivers at my office was driving me, so we didn’t take too much time. 2 of my coworkers came also. I was panicked but I knew that my baby girl was having a tough time with all the blood I was loosing and being stressed would just make things worst for her as she would feel it so I managed to stay calm.

Thank God there was no traffic jam!… My office is very close to the hospital, so the ride was actually fairly quick. As I arrived I told them what was happening and they rushed me to the L&D floor where they took off my clothes and wanted to put a pad to help with the flow. I laughed at the nurse and told her that it was useless, the flow was so intense that they will need several blankets to really help!…. By that time my OB arrived; he just saw the amount of blood in the bed and was shocked. He hold my hands, looked me straight in the eyes and told me it was just too much blood and that we had no time to start checking what was causing it…. Our little girl needed to be out as soon as possible and that meant an emergency c-section. My only words were I trust you – I am fine, I feel fine, please take care of my little girl. As soon as I finished that sentence everybody started running and in no time I was already on my way to the operating room.

In the OR they started to prep me and when they were just about to start to give the anaesthesia I told my OB to please send someone to look for the T (as I hadn’t seen him) and explain to him what was happening… He told me not to worry, he had already spoke to the T and he was just outside the OR and that because it was an emergency operation he couldn’t come in but he will be waiting outside. I felt relieved and told them that I was ready and they started.
It took just a few minutes to start to feel the effects of the local anaesthesia. My legs felt very heavy and warm as I was listening to what the doctors were saying and I felt there was a lot of tension in the room.

A few minutes later, at 2.10 PM, our daughter R was born and the only thing I was asking and praying for at that time was to hear her cry and I did. It was the most wonderful sound I had never heard. I was pretty conscious that it didn’t mean everything was going to turned out OK, but at least it was a “little” light in the tunnel!

I didn’t get to see her right after she was born. The doctors worked with her right since her first minute and rushed her to the NICU to evaluate her and also to give her a blood transfusion because she was having a crisis due to the lost blood. It turned out the bleeding was caused by a partial placental abruption (about 30%) and therefore our daughter suffered from the lack of flow and oxygen, besides the respiratory problems due to her immature lungs.

At that point, I knew we were a step forward on what I hoped and prayed to be our way o recovery!

PS. I will write my log about R progress in the NICU in a separate post.

On our way to recovery...

First of all, thank you so much for your comments and support, it really means a lot to us.

I am extremely happy to report that we are recovering and everything seems to be going on the right track.

I am having an extremely fast recovery from my c-section. A lot of people had told me they are impressed at how well I am doing.... Well, I believe having my little girl in the NICU has given me the strength and the energy to speed up my recovery process because I know she needs me.

R is doing great also. When she was born she was placed under respiratory treatment to help her breathe. It has been a process with a lot of different kinds of ventilators, from the more sofisticated that did the whole job for her, and also supplied steroids to accelerate her lungs development, to the simpler ones. Thankfuly since yesterday she is breathing on her own and so far she has been doing great.

She had already started getting my milk through a feeding tube that goes directly into her stomach and it seems that she is tolerating it really well. They started her on 3 ml, then 6 ml, then 9 ml and today she had 30 ml each fed. For tomorrow the plan is to increase it to 50 ml.

On the weight side, she lost 200 gr but she is now gaining again. Today her weight was 2680 gr.

I promise to post a few pictures soon.

Have a great weekend!