Dear Daughter

I close my eyes and I still have chills remembering your birthday. It has been a little over a month already and it seems like yesterday.

Time goes by so fast and we can’t stop it. I believe that is one of the most important lessons you will learn in life. I know each day is unique and won’t come back so I promise I will treasure every moment we get to spend together.

Now, I must tell you, I am certainly not a guru and I am sure there will be times when I will not have an answer to your questions, but you can be sure I will do my best so we can both learn.

I have been dreaming about you for a long time now. Yes, I thought and dreamed about you a lot, and actually I wasn’t sure if the time to hold you in my arms will come, but I kept dreaming, praying and hoping…. It was tough, and while I wanted so badly to have you, at the same time I knew that maybe it was something not meant to be for me. That is one more thing you will learn. In this world, there are times when we can’t have all we want, we can work hard but there are factors beyond human reasoning and understanding that also play their role and we must accept it. So I did, and I prayed just to have the strength to overcome whatever was planned and hoped for the best.

Hope has always my best companion and it all has finally paid off because suddenly, you have become part of my life. I don’t want to lead yours, or influence it with my own fears and expectations. I just want to be there with you, every time you need me, offering my hands and my heart, so you can learn to build your own path at your own pace!

The sign

I have always believed that things happen for a reason. Sometimes it is difficult to realize it as we have many why’s with no apparent answer…. We can’t, and most likely we will never find an answer but there is one…

On April 23rd, just after our daughter was born my OB/GYN was closing my incision and I heard him asked one of his assistants to call his office and tell the nurse to reschedule his afternoon’s appointments as he had a mass service to attend. As I heard him, I realized that day was the first month’s anniversary of his daughter trip to heaven and I felt bad…. It must have been a very difficult day, emotionally, for him and his family, and there he was, attending my emergency.

If you remember, I shared with you in one of my March’s posts that I felt heart broken for him and his family when I knew about the accident …. Off course I didn’t choose to have an emergency on the same day, one month later,… it wasn’t my fault, but I felt bad that it happened exactly on the same day.

The day after my c-section, when he came into our hospital room to see how I was doing and how my incision was healing, I took the chance to tell him again how we really appreciated his support and the way he handled things as we knew it must have been a very difficult day for him and his family.

He stared back at us with a smile…. Then he told us that he usually don’t pay attention to dates and that it doesn’t matter if it was the first month anniversary or not, he has obviously bad days and better days, no matter what, emotionally….. and while he doesn’t pay too much attention to dates, sometimes things happen to make him do so…

….Now, that he has a girl in heaven, he told us he has someone else to pray to besides God and that the day of my emergency he thought of her and he was amazed when the nurse said the time when our daughter was born, it was exactly the same time when her daughter went to heaven a month earlier…. Moreover, orange was the favorite color of her daughter and in the NICU our daughter got the orange room....

The more I think about it, the more I convince myself that it was a sign that she wanted to send to her family, to let them know that she is indeed leaving happily in heaven because her mission with us had been fulfilled and it was about time to start taking care of an even greater mission, way beyond human reasoning and understanding.

My life these days!

Since my emergency took us all by surprise and these days are really hectic at the office with 2 big projects, I am working from home. I spend my days trying to find a nice balance between taking care of our little girl, nursing and/or pumping and keeping up with what’s going on at the office. As you can imagine, it may take me a while to type the logs I have in paper about R’s daily progress while she was in the NICU, so for now I just want to let you know that she was released from the hospital on Monday May 5th 2008.

I just can’t find words to express how emotional that day were for us. We were extremely happy to be fortunate enough to be leaving the hospital with our little girl in our arms and there were a lot of tears shed as we left the NICU. The T and I cried, laughed and we hugged each other for a while. I can't really explain how many things went through my mind in that moment, it was a very special experience...

It surely was the most emotional day of our lives...

The dream we had hope for so long, and once thought almost impossible, was fulfilled…

….it was reality!

Today it’s been 4 weeks since she was born and we are doing great. She is really a little angel and I believe we are both learning together. She is not cranky at all, usually when she cries is because either she’s hungry, wet or want to pass some gas that is disturbing her. I am really enjoying every minute we spent together…… I could be staring at her eyes forever… it is an amazing feeling!

On the feeding side, I am breastfeeding her and so far, so good. While she was at the NICU I pumped and once the doctors let me I started to nurse her while still at the hospital and I have continued at home. I believe my milk supply is OK and I hope to keep breastfeeding at least for the first 6 months.

On a different note, I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight since the first week after delivery and I am NOT proud of it because I am on the skinny side and I was hoping to keep a few extra pounds!!!… I am very concerned actually because I really want to be healthy so I have already started getting daily supplements. I haven’t gained any extra pounds but at least I am not loosing more. I have an appointment with my OB/GYN next week and one more with my endocrinologist the week after. Let’s see what they think about it. For now I am doing my best to eat well and healthy, and I will stay on the supplements.

I’ve been trying to download the pictures from my camera so I can share a few but I haven’t been successful…. But I promise I will post a few as soon as I am able to do so.

I hope you all have a great week and thank you, thank you again for being here!