Making my grass greener....

Wow, we had a great weekend. The weather was nice and we enjoyed it.

AF arrived last Friday as I anticipated, it has been as usual, no cramps, bloating or anything in between, but I never have symptoms so I am happy that this pills are doing what they are supposed to without giving me issues. I am starting the second round of B..C..P.. tomorrow.

I have been feeling great lately, and I am extremely happy about it. I have been focusing on really putting things into perspective and working every day not to loose it….

…. And I have found peace about all this, about my life, about what can or can´t be, about uncertainty. I never give up, never….. I didn’t do it when I was first diagnosed and we didn’t have our daughter. much less now!.....One thing, for sure, that has helped this time, a lot, is the joy of having our daughter. I am not going to sugarcoat things, IF is still IF and it hurts, it is just that even though it hurts it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to because there are many other things that mitigate that hurt and that is exactly what I have been working on and I believe it is starting to pay off.

I see things differently, I try to stay on the positive side and it is helping me to turn what I don’t like into a good thing; something to learn and grow as a person as I have come to realize that if I can’t change or control what is happening, I sure can control the way I react and therefore the impact it all will have on me, on my family, on our everyday life and on our future. I have never been the type of person who just sit and cry when something goes wrong…. I need to move on, keeping the good side to treasure it. It works for me and it has helped to make my grass look greener…..

…it is not always easy, and sometimes it takes a lot of rain to make my grass look nice but the ending result is awesome…. And Spring is coming soon, so I better work hard NOW or it won’t be ready for the flower!!!....

.....Stay tuned for the blooming season!

...all I have for now

Yesterday I took the last pill of the first B..C..P.. package so I guess I will have my period by the end of the week. I am fortunate enough to say that I have been feeling great, no side effects at all. Sometimes I am emotional, yes, but I have been emotional for a while now, so it is not caused by the pills.

It is ironic that if we actually want to get pregnant again, I am taking pills to do the exact opposite!.... I know, I know…. We are giving my ovaries a break so they just get some rest, relax, and see if they are up to a little bit, at least a little bit, more work afterwards. I guess I will need to have a long talk with them in the coming months, maybe, - JUST maybe - if I am sweet enough, I can convince them to help us out a little!

I have not written about it, but for the second time, our OB told me I am more than ready to have my own fer.ti.li.ty clinic because I just know so much about it. It all started when we were trying to coordinate dates, because the T travels a lot and, ahemmm, I guess I need him here on the right dates to actually try to get pregnant…. So I was just looking at the calendar and talking to myself, but he and the T were listening, and then he said it…. I just laughed, and told him that when you are diagnosed with something you didn´t even know existed, well you have two options, one is to just sit and cry, the other one is sit, cry, and then try to learn and understand what is going on….. I believe he is much more used to the girls that just sit, cry and call her momma, well I am much more on the learning and proactive side. Not that it is better to be on this side, but at least it makes things easier for all of us.

It is all looking good now, today I am extremely happy to be
who I am,
where I am,
how I am, …

…no matter if it involves a underactive thyroid and a pair of lazy ovaries…because I am fully aware it ALSO involves a TON of great things I wouldn´t trade for anything….

….and this happiness if enough to last through the end of TODAY, and TODAY is all I have for now!

Signs

Strange things happen those days when I am being emotional over every little thing....

When I least expect it I get across situations to learn from and to, once more, be grateful for being who I am, where I am and how I got here.... Lessons that one way, or another, let me know that I am being cared for, ....that I am not alone.

"Faith is about risk. Too many people want it to be without risk, and because it isn't, they choose not to believe. To have faith is to have courage. Faith means taking a risk that God is really there. There is a reward for that risk, eventually, and it's called KNOWING. Eventually, faith gives you evidence of the existence of a higher being. Without taking the risk, you can never get to the knowing, and you reinforce your disbelief. Risk is the currency of life, and in the same vein, it's the ticket to meeting God."

The plan....

Everything went well yesterday at our appointment. We had a very long talk, we were there for almost 2 hours. I am really pleased with our OB, we were really grateful that he spent that much time talking to us about the situation and answering our questions.

The conclusions were what we suspected and knew. My ovaries are showing a non responsive pattern for the second time and there is no way to find out if really this is it, or if, like the other time, after a “reset” and little help they will get active once again. The main thing is that, clearly, they are slowing down and time plays a huge role here. If we want a biological sibling for our daughter we can´t wait to start trying because as time goes by it becomes more and more difficult, considering the circumstances.

The plan for now is to do 3 cycles of B..C..P.. (I am already in cycle 1) and then a monitoring cycle, without stims, to see how are my ovaries responding after the 3-month reset period. If we are lucky enough to have ovarian activity, depending on how things are looking, will decide if we do an I..U..I.. or try on our own for that cycle. If there is little or no ovarian response we will discuss if a cycle with stims is a chance worth trying or not. We didn´t get into much detail about this other options, we will cross that bridge once we get there.

I have been very emotional these days. I just pray everyday to be strong, at peace and grafetful. Don’t get me wrong, I know this whole thing is not the end of the world, it is simply that in.fer.ti.li.ty hurt feeling that gets to me sometimes despite my hard efforts to push it away, because, I already have so much….. -REALLY -...but even though my brain understands it pretty well, my heart just shrinks every now and then.

....It is just the beginning

I just came back from vacation, much needed vacation!!!!.... We had a great time and were able to relax a lot and just enjoy ourselves.

We have an appointment with my OB this coming Wednesday afternoon. We will discuss the plan and some questions we have about it.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about this entire situation, it is difficult. I want so much to give a sibling to our daughter but then I am scared, I am scared of the emotional toll to be paid if things don’t turn out or, turn out and then go wrong….. I feel that I have already gotten so much with our daughter that wanting more is being greedy, but on the other hand I am pretty sure that if I just don´t do anything I will regret later on and I will carry on my mind the “What if I have had tried….” question forever.

….and this is just the beginning, let´s pray each day brings new joy, happiness and renewed hope as the one I found today in Kathy's blog….

Dear Kathy, you are truly an inspiration. I can´t wait to hear more about this new chapter in your life. It will certainly be something to look forward in this coming 8 months!