Wednesday, August 13, 2008

...I have a confession to make

...Yes, I have a confession to make….

Every time I see a pregnant belly a huge smile is instantly draw on my face. I remember how I really enjoyed being pregnant, how much I loved it and it makes me want to be pregnant again NOW!!!…. And a lot of mixed feelings start to set in.

I feel happy and grateful for the opportunity I had, to experience pregnancy, and now motherhood.

But then, the curiosity takes over…

Curiosity about what is waiting for me in the future on the pregnancy-parenting front....

Curiosity about how my cycles are going to be, and, actually, if I will ever have a period again, in the first place!...

I am enjoying so much being a mother that I really would like to have more children and give our daughter a sibling, but the reality is that I don’t know how things are going to turn out. I am pretty conscious there is a chance our daughter will be our only child, and it always makes me remember THIS post I read from Sommer a while ago, about primary and secondary IF, and I understand clearly what she meant. I’ve never think that one is harder than another -I believe IF is IF and the pain is the same even if you are longing for your tenth child- but when I read that post I was child free and now I have a daughter. My feelings and thoughts about primary and secondary IF haven’t changed, but now I understand and get much more her feelings and comments about secondary IF.

…Then a little bit of sadness takes its place in my heart, realizing that pregnancy may be something I never get to experience again.

Don’t get me wrong; I am not trying to run without learning to walk first. I am enjoying our daughter a lot and I feel very fortunate to be able to live this experience and I trust there is already a plan for us -no matter what my feelings and thoughts are- and I trust that plan is the BEST for us and that is what I always end up thinking every time all this stuff is going through my mind - and it has been being a lot in my mind lately

The reality is that never is 100% sure in this life, I don’t know what’s in store for me tomorrow, so for now I just pray and hope to be able to find peace and strength whatever the final outcome will be.


Fertilized said...

Ya' know, We have toyed with that idea as well. Our dr was pushing birth control and we had to address our feelings on the subject. It's a very personal and touchy subject

Tina623 said...

I have those same feelings. I think I'd be okay with just these two, but it would be nice to expierence it one more time. Good luck to you!

SommerNyte said...

Coming in late again... :)

Isn't it crazy how when you are longing for your first child, it seems like you could never experience that type of pain as long as you had that one child... and then he or she arrives, and you find it all come flooding back as you think about wanting another... the same hurt, only different. Having a baby doesn't sure the pain of IF, unfortunately. :(

Best of luck in whatever you decide!! (((hugs)))