...I have a confession to make

...Yes, I have a confession to make….

Every time I see a pregnant belly a huge smile is instantly draw on my face. I remember how I really enjoyed being pregnant, how much I loved it and it makes me want to be pregnant again NOW!!!…. And a lot of mixed feelings start to set in.

I feel happy and grateful for the opportunity I had, to experience pregnancy, and now motherhood.

But then, the curiosity takes over…

Curiosity about what is waiting for me in the future on the pregnancy-parenting front....

Curiosity about how my cycles are going to be, and, actually, if I will ever have a period again, in the first place!...

I am enjoying so much being a mother that I really would like to have more children and give our daughter a sibling, but the reality is that I don’t know how things are going to turn out. I am pretty conscious there is a chance our daughter will be our only child, and it always makes me remember THIS post I read from Sommer a while ago, about primary and secondary IF, and I understand clearly what she meant. I’ve never think that one is harder than another -I believe IF is IF and the pain is the same even if you are longing for your tenth child- but when I read that post I was child free and now I have a daughter. My feelings and thoughts about primary and secondary IF haven’t changed, but now I understand and get much more her feelings and comments about secondary IF.

…Then a little bit of sadness takes its place in my heart, realizing that pregnancy may be something I never get to experience again.

Don’t get me wrong; I am not trying to run without learning to walk first. I am enjoying our daughter a lot and I feel very fortunate to be able to live this experience and I trust there is already a plan for us -no matter what my feelings and thoughts are- and I trust that plan is the BEST for us and that is what I always end up thinking every time all this stuff is going through my mind - and it has been being a lot in my mind lately –

The reality is that never is 100% sure in this life, I don’t know what’s in store for me tomorrow, so for now I just pray and hope to be able to find peace and strength whatever the final outcome will be.

The reality is setting in - and it is not bad at all!

This has been my second week back to work. And I am so, so happy to report that everything seems to be going great.

R is staying at home with her nanny during the mornings while I am at work and she is doing fine so far. I am pumping once at work and save it for the next day when R gets her middle morning feed, and I continue to nurse her the rest of the day. My day looks something like this:

4.00 AM Nurse R her first feeding of the day, get her back to sleep
7.00 AM Nurse R, then she stays up playing
7.30 AM Get ready for work
8.30 – 2.00 PM Work at the office (one pumping session at around 11)
2.00 PM Go back home, eat lunch
3.00 PM Nurse R
3.30 PM – 6.30PM Work from home
6.30 PM Nurse R
7.00 PM Playtime – I sing to her, dance with her, we go for a walk, etc….
7.30 PM Grocery shopping, dry cleaning, etc – I take R with me most of the times
8.30 PM R bath time
9.00 PM Nurse R
9.30 PM R goes to sleep


It is not bad at all. Really. And I am very fortunate to have this kind of flexibility at work. Plus, I have find R very happy every day when I come back home. She is either playing or taking a nap.

I must confess – I still have this guilt feeling about leaving her – and it is not going away. I guess is normal and I don’t think I am being a bad mother, I just feel guilty, but then realize there is no guilt if she is doing fine, it is not like she is being all miserable when I am away and that is what keeps me going every day, trying to find a nice balance between work and parenting!

Back to reality...

As of today I am back to work….

Honestly, I didn’t know what to do…. My first thoughts were that if we could afford it, I should stay at home, but then there is this other side of me telling that there is nothing wrong to keep working, at least part time to keep “connected” some how with the work environment…

My father died when I was four and my mom was a SAHM up until he died. It was very difficult for her to get a job so she could provide for my brother and me. There was always food on our table, and clothes to wear, but things were difficult, on the economic part. I believe it has had an impact on me and, there is always this memory coming back and that is why I want to keep working. I guess it gives me some kind of “security” to know that I am able to earn my own salary and provide for our daughter if I need to.

…It was difficult to leave her in the morning, I hope it will get easier.

Let’s see how this works out!