The thing about faith is it isn't about what we want...
It’s a confidence that God won’t give us any challenge we can’t handle….
....We just don’t know what that limit is.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
A happy day indeed!...
I have been following Kathy´s blog for quite a while...
...After many years of struggles and then placing her first daughter into the arms of our Father, the world smiled again one morning last January as 2 pink lines appeared...
...A miracle, spontaneous, much wanted cenception happened and a new little life had begun...
...Today, that little life made her entrance into this world, safe and sound, turning Sept 17th in a VERY HAPPY day indeed!
Congratulations and a BIG BEAR hug to Kathy, Bob, Sean, Molly and little Abigail Grace!
...After many years of struggles and then placing her first daughter into the arms of our Father, the world smiled again one morning last January as 2 pink lines appeared...
...A miracle, spontaneous, much wanted cenception happened and a new little life had begun...
...Today, that little life made her entrance into this world, safe and sound, turning Sept 17th in a VERY HAPPY day indeed!
Congratulations and a BIG BEAR hug to Kathy, Bob, Sean, Molly and little Abigail Grace!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Thank you!
Thank you…
Thank you…
Thank you so much for taking the time to leave your comments to my previous post!
We really are NOT at the stage of actually deciding on an option yet, but I am doing my research, and up until now those are our 2 choices.
There were some interesting questions some of you had and I will try to address those in this post.
The contact with the nearest clinic is through my doctors here. We really don´t have too much info as we haven’t really had an appointment to discuss it, but I will make sure to have all the facts when the time comes.
The big-guns clinic has a lot of information on their site, but we haven’t had any appointments with them either. All I know is from the webpage and a few fellow bloggers who cycled or are currently cycling there. As we haven’t had any appointments with them I don’t know if they would suggest to try a cycle with my eggs, but due to my current FSH levels, I highly doubt it, and honestly I strongly believe it will be just a waste of time, effort and money!
From what I know each clinic has its own pool of donors, but I am not sure how much information about the donors each clinic will share. I believe the waiting list may be a bit shorter in the nearest clinic but then I know that they don´t do the screening on donors until AFTER the donor has been chosen -and if something is wrong you are back to square one again!-, and the big-guns clinic do the screening on all their donors BEFORE adding them to their pool, so they are always ready to cycle, so that may offset the longer waitlist.
Em.bryo dona.tion could be a possibility also, but considering that in the most viable options my genetic link will be out of the equation, I REALLY would like our future child(ren) to have the genetic link to DH, so we will try that first.
We still have time, I will sure let you all know what we decided after the initial appointments, but they will not be before October. Even though I will just LOVE to have a growing belly again soon, I know this time is helping us greatly.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
The BIG question?
Yes, I am still here!!!
Things have been busy around this corner of the world but thankfully we are all fine, just melting ourselves away in this 100+ F we get here at this time of the year, which I read has been the worst in the last 27 years.
As each day goes by I am more used to the idea of giving a try to the egg dona.tion option. We will need to travel to do it because here in my country those programs are at the beginning stage and the testing every donor should have performed regarding infectious diseases, etc… is not well structured, and therefore risky.
We have two options at this point:
OPTION 1: Closer to home - can get there easily by car-, success rates at 60-65% in egg dona.tion cycles, performing about 30 dona.tion cycles per year, costs at around 20 thousand USD per cycle
OPTION 2: Far from home – will need to fly, success rates at 80% in egg do.na.tion cycles, performing about 180+ dona.tion cycles per year, costs at around 35 thousand per cycle
Our insurance does NOT cover any kind of ferti.lity treatment, so everything will be paid from our very own pockets. We are not wealthy people by any means, but can find the way to finance either option.
…And the BIG question is, WHAT WOULD YOU DO????...
I greatly appreciate all your input!!!
Things have been busy around this corner of the world but thankfully we are all fine, just melting ourselves away in this 100+ F we get here at this time of the year, which I read has been the worst in the last 27 years.
As each day goes by I am more used to the idea of giving a try to the egg dona.tion option. We will need to travel to do it because here in my country those programs are at the beginning stage and the testing every donor should have performed regarding infectious diseases, etc… is not well structured, and therefore risky.
We have two options at this point:
OPTION 1: Closer to home - can get there easily by car-, success rates at 60-65% in egg dona.tion cycles, performing about 30 dona.tion cycles per year, costs at around 20 thousand USD per cycle
OPTION 2: Far from home – will need to fly, success rates at 80% in egg do.na.tion cycles, performing about 180+ dona.tion cycles per year, costs at around 35 thousand per cycle
Our insurance does NOT cover any kind of ferti.lity treatment, so everything will be paid from our very own pockets. We are not wealthy people by any means, but can find the way to finance either option.
…And the BIG question is, WHAT WOULD YOU DO????...
I greatly appreciate all your input!!!
Thanks a lot in advance ;)
Monday, July 13, 2009
Not this time
I woke up this morning to discover that my period had just started, and while on one hand it meant we were not pregnant, it was also a nice reminder that my ovaries did work at least a little, and that is enough to make me happy today!
I will continue doing my research about the fer.ti.li.ty clinics and the egg do.na.tion programs but I believe we still want to wait at least 4 more months to see what my ovaries are up to. It is weird because there is really nothing I want more than being pregnant again, but then I don´t want to rush things. In the mean while we can also take advantage of this extra time to save a little more to cover the stupidly expensive costs of I..V..F.. with egg do.na.tion.
....because yes, it will be paid out of our very own pockets.
I remind myself every day to keep things in perspective, because my life is great enough already to ruin it with sadness!
Friday, July 3, 2009
CD61 - AKA 1 DPO!
Yeap, that is right.... today I am 1 day past ovulation!
...Yesterday at the ultrasound my lining measured 9.5mm (2.5mm increase from the day before) and my right ovary showed a nice collapsed "late bloomer" follie which meant I had already ovulated a few hours ago. The previous day it measured 16mm, I hope it had a chance to get a little bigger and be mature.
I asked my doctor at the beginning of the appointment if he thought we should do an I..U..I.. considering the impending uncertainty about my future cycles and he agreed that it couldn´t hurt and might help, but after the ultrasound confirmed that I have already ovulated, the I..U..I.. was out of the question, it was too late. So, this try is all on our own!
While of course we are cautiously optimistic, we know there are no guarantees. We will sure hope for the best but be prepared for the worst....
....I guess the simple thought of knowing there is a chance will get us through this waiting stage, because where there is life (and a late bloomer egg!), there is hope!
Thursday, July 2, 2009
CD 60 - There is something happening!
After my monitoring appointment yesterday it seems that something is going on.
My right ovary thought CD 60 was not too late and decided to work a little.
I have ONE growing follie measuring 16mm and my lining was at 7mm.
I go in today for another ultrasound to keep track of this nice late bloomer of mine.
It only takes one, right???....
....Can I hope it is a good one???
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Could it be???
Oh well, I don´t know what to think….
I have spent the last week doing my research about fer.tility cli.nics, egg do.nation pro.grams, sta.tistics, etc… and was getting excited about all I had been reading and learning.
Last Friday I started to notice some cervical fluid which, up until that day, had been non existent. Vaginal dryness is a symptom of poor ova.rian activity, so I had been as dry as a dessert and the hot flashes were becoming part of this new “me” also. I really didn´t pay much attention to the cervical fluid but then on Saturday I noticed more and by Sunday I realized also that my hot flashes had decreased considerably those last two days and I had been feeling better physically.
I have spent the last week doing my research about fer.tility cli.nics, egg do.nation pro.grams, sta.tistics, etc… and was getting excited about all I had been reading and learning.
Last Friday I started to notice some cervical fluid which, up until that day, had been non existent. Vaginal dryness is a symptom of poor ova.rian activity, so I had been as dry as a dessert and the hot flashes were becoming part of this new “me” also. I really didn´t pay much attention to the cervical fluid but then on Saturday I noticed more and by Sunday I realized also that my hot flashes had decreased considerably those last two days and I had been feeling better physically.
On Monday my mind starting racing on what if’s and I decided to get blood work done yesterday to see how my hormone levels were.
Last January, when I realized I was experiencing P..O..F.. symptoms again my blood work showed very high levels of FSH and a very low estrogen level, they were at 59 and 39 respectively. This pattern is very indicative of P..O..F.., in which FSH is sky high and estradiol doesn’t get higher than 60.
After all my boring monitoring appointments, I was expecting the same pattern this time but much to my surprise the levels were different:
F..S..H.. 29
L..H.. 33
Es.tradiol 267
Last January, when I realized I was experiencing P..O..F.. symptoms again my blood work showed very high levels of FSH and a very low estrogen level, they were at 59 and 39 respectively. This pattern is very indicative of P..O..F.., in which FSH is sky high and estradiol doesn’t get higher than 60.
After all my boring monitoring appointments, I was expecting the same pattern this time but much to my surprise the levels were different:
F..S..H.. 29
L..H.. 33
Es.tradiol 267
While F..S..H.. and L..H.. are still high, the estradiol is in pretty good levels which can be an indicator of ovarian activity.
I emailed the results to my doctor and I will go in for an ultrasound this afternoon to see if there is really something happening. I just hope we see at least some activity and that the estradiol level is NOT a lab reporting error!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Final call
2 more of the same boring monitoring appointments brought the final call
It is really impossible to predict if someday, somehow, my ovaries will work again, like they did 2 years ago. As they are and look right now it seems like never. They are looking, and I am feeling pretty much me.no.pau.sal but we never know, that is the beauty of P..O..F..
…It is like a box of chocolates: you really never know what you’re going to get!
My doctor started the talk about other options, family building wise, but I wanted the T to be present and he couldn’t make it yesterday, so we have scheduled another appointment next week to talk about it.
It is pretty much looking like the ending of this pursuit to have one more biological child, and the beginning of a new chapter exploring the options of what can be.
"Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will..."
I just needed to read this today, thank you Bella for sharing!.... Bella, is a fellow blogger with P..O..F.., and yesterday got GREAT news after her first do.nor eggs cycle!!!...
It is really impossible to predict if someday, somehow, my ovaries will work again, like they did 2 years ago. As they are and look right now it seems like never. They are looking, and I am feeling pretty much me.no.pau.sal but we never know, that is the beauty of P..O..F..
…It is like a box of chocolates: you really never know what you’re going to get!
My doctor started the talk about other options, family building wise, but I wanted the T to be present and he couldn’t make it yesterday, so we have scheduled another appointment next week to talk about it.
It is pretty much looking like the ending of this pursuit to have one more biological child, and the beginning of a new chapter exploring the options of what can be.
"Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will..."
I just needed to read this today, thank you Bella for sharing!.... Bella, is a fellow blogger with P..O..F.., and yesterday got GREAT news after her first do.nor eggs cycle!!!...
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Day 32 monitoring
I had one more monitoring appointment last Thursday and there was no change at all, my ovaries are totally inactive and there is no lining, therefore I am in CD 38 and haven´t had a period. If there is nothing to shed, there is no period!
My doctor had a family emergency out of town since last week, so this time the ultrasound was performed by another doctor, she is the youngest there, I guess she is probably on her early thirties. She talked to my doctor on the phone after the ultrasound and he wanted me to keep taking Fe.ma.ra until he comes back and calls me. I really don´t know how much longer he wants to keep going, but I don’t believe it will be that long….
…And now that the egg do.na.tion seems to be the next step I really don´t know if we should go that route or just start the adoption process. I loved being pregnant, and sometimes I want with all my heart to be pregnant again, even if the baby is not mine biologically, but then there is this thought that if we couldn´t make it happen with our own ga.me.tes there are lots of kids waiting to have loving adoptive parents and it just breaks my heart….
It breaks my heart to know it, and a selfish feeling gets to me.
Does it really is this difficult?
My doctor had a family emergency out of town since last week, so this time the ultrasound was performed by another doctor, she is the youngest there, I guess she is probably on her early thirties. She talked to my doctor on the phone after the ultrasound and he wanted me to keep taking Fe.ma.ra until he comes back and calls me. I really don´t know how much longer he wants to keep going, but I don’t believe it will be that long….
…And now that the egg do.na.tion seems to be the next step I really don´t know if we should go that route or just start the adoption process. I loved being pregnant, and sometimes I want with all my heart to be pregnant again, even if the baby is not mine biologically, but then there is this thought that if we couldn´t make it happen with our own ga.me.tes there are lots of kids waiting to have loving adoptive parents and it just breaks my heart….
It breaks my heart to know it, and a selfish feeling gets to me.
Does it really is this difficult?
Monday, June 1, 2009
Magic
Today is the first day of June, and my fifth day on Fe.ma.ra. The first two days I had headaches and really don’t know if it was the medication or it was just coincidence. Thankfully, no other side effects so far. I still have hot flashes but that is due to being, well, menopausal, with high levels of F..S..H and low es.tro.gen…
From all the days while I tracked my cycles, when I was cycling on my own, I have come to know myself pretty well and I am able to recognize my fertility signs and at this point I don’t have any, which leads me to believe the Fe.ma.ra is not doing its magic.
It seems we will need another kind of magic…
..the kind of magic that comes when you let go, count your blessings, and don’t let the circumstances define who you really are!
From all the days while I tracked my cycles, when I was cycling on my own, I have come to know myself pretty well and I am able to recognize my fertility signs and at this point I don’t have any, which leads me to believe the Fe.ma.ra is not doing its magic.
It seems we will need another kind of magic…
..the kind of magic that comes when you let go, count your blessings, and don’t let the circumstances define who you really are!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Day 25 monitoring
One more monitoring appointment left behind...
....With the B..C..P.. we were trying to give my ovaries a little break, but they didn't take a little vacation, they are taking a sabatic year!
Things were the same, and we had a good laugh as I was joking, making fun of myself and my lazy ovaries.
So, on to plan B, I am starting Fe.ma.ra today hoping for a miracle.
I believe in miracles, actually I have one at home waiting for me, and sometimes I think I am being greedy wanting more, but then at the same time I know there is no other way to know what is in store for us than trying.
It is a try an error kind of thing!
And while trying I trust....
.... I trust that whatever final outcome we get will be the best for us, and now we are just going one step at a time, trying to find out which door will finally open.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Day 18 monitoring
I went for one more monitoring appointment today.
As I suspected, things are pretty much the same as the previous two weeks, no ovarian activity at all and therefore a very thin lining.
At this point, there is really not much hope left. My doctor decided to give it one last chance for an extra week, so I am supposed to go back next Thursday again. We both agree it is very likely that things will look exactly the same.
So, considering I am once again showing a very clear pattern of pre.ma.tu.re ova.rian fai.lure, there are really not too many options for us. The plan for now is to wait one more week with no meds and if the ovaries are still innactive, as they have been, try Fe.ma.ra hoping it will get my cycle going. If Fe.ma.ra does not do the trick we will be facing either the I..V..F.. with egg do.na.tion path or a.dop.tion.
I feel OK, of course there are moments when it hits me and I am sad, but it does not last long as I think about how fortunate we are already.
We have so much.
ALREADY.
...And for that we will be forever grateful and happy, no matter what the future holds.
....All this just keeps me realizing, even more every day, what an extraordinary miracle our daughter is!
As I suspected, things are pretty much the same as the previous two weeks, no ovarian activity at all and therefore a very thin lining.
At this point, there is really not much hope left. My doctor decided to give it one last chance for an extra week, so I am supposed to go back next Thursday again. We both agree it is very likely that things will look exactly the same.
So, considering I am once again showing a very clear pattern of pre.ma.tu.re ova.rian fai.lure, there are really not too many options for us. The plan for now is to wait one more week with no meds and if the ovaries are still innactive, as they have been, try Fe.ma.ra hoping it will get my cycle going. If Fe.ma.ra does not do the trick we will be facing either the I..V..F.. with egg do.na.tion path or a.dop.tion.
I feel OK, of course there are moments when it hits me and I am sad, but it does not last long as I think about how fortunate we are already.
We have so much.
ALREADY.
...And for that we will be forever grateful and happy, no matter what the future holds.
....All this just keeps me realizing, even more every day, what an extraordinary miracle our daughter is!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Day 11 monitoring
I had my second monitoring appointment today - CD 11 -
….and all I can say is that my ovaries urgently need an alarm clock!!!... They are sound asleep with no tangible intentions to wake up and start working!
…As expected, with no ovarian activity, my lining was very thin.
…I need to recruit T.o.m. C.r.u.i.s.e for this mission impossible, or maybe, D.a.v.i.d. C.o.p.p.e.r.f.i.e.l.d can give us a hand too!
I am going back next week, and I guess the plan will start to develop then, but as I see it, it is very likely that egg do.na.tion will be our viable option.
Make your bets, the game is just starting!
….and all I can say is that my ovaries urgently need an alarm clock!!!... They are sound asleep with no tangible intentions to wake up and start working!
…As expected, with no ovarian activity, my lining was very thin.
…I need to recruit T.o.m. C.r.u.i.s.e for this mission impossible, or maybe, D.a.v.i.d. C.o.p.p.e.r.f.i.e.l.d can give us a hand too!
I am going back next week, and I guess the plan will start to develop then, but as I see it, it is very likely that egg do.na.tion will be our viable option.
Make your bets, the game is just starting!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Please!
The Freemans are going through a very difficult time. I just can´t even imagine how they are feeling. Their beautiful youngest daughter was born premature 11 months ago. She was the sweetest one pound miracle on earth!...
...Yesterday, she got her final call and went to Heaven.
The Spohrs are also having tough days as they are missing Maddie even more as each day goes by.
Please, have these two families in your thoughts and prayers today and in the days to come.
May they find the strenght to overcome this difficult time.
...Yesterday, she got her final call and went to Heaven.
The Spohrs are also having tough days as they are missing Maddie even more as each day goes by.
Please, have these two families in your thoughts and prayers today and in the days to come.
May they find the strenght to overcome this difficult time.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Day 3 monitoring
I had my first monitoring appointment yesterday and well, my ovaries are not active at all, my right ovary had nothing going on....
Nothing at all!!!....
...And the left had only ONE follice measuring 6mm. Our OB didn´t say anything, good or bad about it, he wants me to come back next week for another ultrasound but I guess it is pretty clear that my ovarian reserve is going to its very end.
Houston, we have a no eggs problem!!!
I am not surprised, I am glad I was prepared for it.
Oh well, it is looking like an interesting roller coaster ahead!
Nothing at all!!!....
...And the left had only ONE follice measuring 6mm. Our OB didn´t say anything, good or bad about it, he wants me to come back next week for another ultrasound but I guess it is pretty clear that my ovarian reserve is going to its very end.
Houston, we have a no eggs problem!!!
I am not surprised, I am glad I was prepared for it.
Oh well, it is looking like an interesting roller coaster ahead!
Friday, May 1, 2009
Let's roll....
I took my last B..C..P.. last night, which means I should be getting AF on Monday. I have my first monitoring appointment next Wednesday and I guess the plan will develop depending on how things are looking.
Sometimes I feel that we may still have a chance and sometimes I think we are trying to make a rock ovulate. On our last appointment my OB was very hopeful and positive, but the reality is that there are no guarantees.
I have been very kind to my ovaries lately, I have spoken softly to them trying to convince them to get a little active one more time and jump on this boat with us. Let´s see if they are listening.
….Stay tuned!
Sometimes I feel that we may still have a chance and sometimes I think we are trying to make a rock ovulate. On our last appointment my OB was very hopeful and positive, but the reality is that there are no guarantees.
I have been very kind to my ovaries lately, I have spoken softly to them trying to convince them to get a little active one more time and jump on this boat with us. Let´s see if they are listening.
….Stay tuned!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Dearest Daughter...
I have been thinking a lot about what I want to say to you today and I just don´t seem to find the right words to describe the joy and happiness I have felt this past year, your first year!
I always wanted to have a daughter. When I found out you were a girl I was ecstatic about it. I carried you in my belly everywhere, you were my passenger!... I talked to you about what we were doing, or where we were going, I sang to you, I taught you how to choose fruits and veggies and then how to cook them; we went to church, to the bank, even traveling. Being pregnant with you was one of the most exciting and enjoyable experiences I have ever had.
While you were in my womb time just flew and right at 8 months I had an emergency, I was loosing a lot of blood and you were not doing OK inside my belly anymore so it was time to take you out. Everything was uncertain at that time and I will never forget how grateful I felt when I heard you cry. I just heard you, I couldn’t see you because you were not doing good and needed to be taken care of, so off to the NICU you went. Those were difficult days. We didn’t know what will happen, but you were a miracle, our miracle and since those days you taught us you were a champion. With much help, doctors, more doctors, respirators, ventilators, shots, and lots of love you kept getting better and better each day and after 2 weeks we were able to take you home.
Once at home, you slept in your crib since the first day. It seemed to big for such a little bundle of you and today you jump, pull up and play all around that same crib, and now it seems so little for that much energy!
I close my eyes and I just can not believe one year has gone by. A year in which far from teaching and helping you to discover the world, you have taught me to discover myself again and have reminded me that the best things are found in our everyday life together: in your smile, in making you laugh out loud, in amaze myself when I look at your expression when you are discovering something new.
Parenting you has certainly been a whole new chapter in my life and I am no expert, but I can assure you everything was, and still is, so worth it.
I have truly enjoyed being around you, full of you… Those sleepless first nights at home, those days of letting you sleep in my chest, those days when I sang to you for hours, those feeding sessions, those minutes during your bath time, those last minutes at the office impatiently waiting to see you again at home.
Looking at you has become my most effective medicine. You make every pain to disappear and every trouble to go away.
Thank you for being here, for making me a mom, for changing my life, for melting my heart, for being soup to my soul, for flooding me in joy, for passing your laughter, for being who you are!
You are NOT the daughter I had always wanted, you are sooooo much, much, much more I had ever imagined you would be, and I love you sooooo much, much, much more than I can express!
Happy first birthday my little girl,….. and cheers to, hopefully, for God´s grace, many, many, many more birthdays to come and share together!
I always wanted to have a daughter. When I found out you were a girl I was ecstatic about it. I carried you in my belly everywhere, you were my passenger!... I talked to you about what we were doing, or where we were going, I sang to you, I taught you how to choose fruits and veggies and then how to cook them; we went to church, to the bank, even traveling. Being pregnant with you was one of the most exciting and enjoyable experiences I have ever had.
While you were in my womb time just flew and right at 8 months I had an emergency, I was loosing a lot of blood and you were not doing OK inside my belly anymore so it was time to take you out. Everything was uncertain at that time and I will never forget how grateful I felt when I heard you cry. I just heard you, I couldn’t see you because you were not doing good and needed to be taken care of, so off to the NICU you went. Those were difficult days. We didn’t know what will happen, but you were a miracle, our miracle and since those days you taught us you were a champion. With much help, doctors, more doctors, respirators, ventilators, shots, and lots of love you kept getting better and better each day and after 2 weeks we were able to take you home.
Once at home, you slept in your crib since the first day. It seemed to big for such a little bundle of you and today you jump, pull up and play all around that same crib, and now it seems so little for that much energy!
I close my eyes and I just can not believe one year has gone by. A year in which far from teaching and helping you to discover the world, you have taught me to discover myself again and have reminded me that the best things are found in our everyday life together: in your smile, in making you laugh out loud, in amaze myself when I look at your expression when you are discovering something new.
Parenting you has certainly been a whole new chapter in my life and I am no expert, but I can assure you everything was, and still is, so worth it.
I have truly enjoyed being around you, full of you… Those sleepless first nights at home, those days of letting you sleep in my chest, those days when I sang to you for hours, those feeding sessions, those minutes during your bath time, those last minutes at the office impatiently waiting to see you again at home.
Looking at you has become my most effective medicine. You make every pain to disappear and every trouble to go away.
Thank you for being here, for making me a mom, for changing my life, for melting my heart, for being soup to my soul, for flooding me in joy, for passing your laughter, for being who you are!
You are NOT the daughter I had always wanted, you are sooooo much, much, much more I had ever imagined you would be, and I love you sooooo much, much, much more than I can express!
Happy first birthday my little girl,….. and cheers to, hopefully, for God´s grace, many, many, many more birthdays to come and share together!
Friday, April 17, 2009
...A very special day!
....A very special day indeed!
Preparations are in full force in Heaven because a birthday party will start shortly. A beautiful baby girl, Molly Marie is celebrating her first birthday!
It is certainly a beautiful day, yet painful and bittersweet for her family here on earth.
Please join me in celebrating Molly´s life today, and have her and her family in your thoughts and prayers.
Happy birthday little Molly, you are extremely lucky to have such a wonderful family, you will be foreved missed and loved!!!...
Preparations are in full force in Heaven because a birthday party will start shortly. A beautiful baby girl, Molly Marie is celebrating her first birthday!
It is certainly a beautiful day, yet painful and bittersweet for her family here on earth.
Please join me in celebrating Molly´s life today, and have her and her family in your thoughts and prayers.
Happy birthday little Molly, you are extremely lucky to have such a wonderful family, you will be foreved missed and loved!!!...
Monday, April 6, 2009
We are back
We had a great time, enjoyed ourselves and celebrated by birthday!!!
It was a great get away and now, we are back to our daily routine. AF arrived this past weekend and I will be starting the last pack of B..C..P.. this coming Wednesday.
Farah asked me a while ago, how it felt to be trying again.... Well, we really have not started the fun part yet, but up to this point it has been very different from last time. The IF wound is there and it will never go away, but it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. I am not sad when I look at pregnant bellies or when I hear pregnancy announcements. I have found myself actually happy, hoping really hard to have that opportunity one more time, but then at the same time, being extremelly aware that it may not happen, and knowing that if that is the case, I will get through it.
Having our daughter, for me, has certainly make this a road a lot more pleasant. She keeps me grounded, grateful, hopeful.
Many doors will appear on our road in the months to come. I trust the one that opens will be the best one for us, so I am just going with the flow, just about to start knocking on doors to find out THE ONE.
Friday, March 27, 2009
At peace
We are going away for a few days to enjoy some free time, the sun, the beach and everything in between.
I can´t really explain how well I feel. I am incredibly grateful for this peace that settled in my mind and in my heart. I guess I got to the point to really understand there are, and will be, many things that I can´t control and I am OK with it.
I let go.
Don´t get me wrong, I haven´t given up, I still want a sibling to my daughter but I have found extreme peace in realizing I am not in control. There are many ways to get there. At this point I am not sure which is the one. I don´t know if my ovaries will cooperate enough and even if they do, it is not a guarantee that we will be able to conceive again, but then there is the do.nor. egg rou.te, or a.dop.tion…. Both of them are truly expensive options, but we will see once we get there. I have come to terms with the fact that there is a possibility that I will not be biologically related to our future child, or children….. and I am completely at peace with it.
And if for some reason, neither option turn out for us, I am sure I will be fine too.
I will be forever grateful for what I have, for as long as I have it.
I can´t really explain how well I feel. I am incredibly grateful for this peace that settled in my mind and in my heart. I guess I got to the point to really understand there are, and will be, many things that I can´t control and I am OK with it.
I let go.
Don´t get me wrong, I haven´t given up, I still want a sibling to my daughter but I have found extreme peace in realizing I am not in control. There are many ways to get there. At this point I am not sure which is the one. I don´t know if my ovaries will cooperate enough and even if they do, it is not a guarantee that we will be able to conceive again, but then there is the do.nor. egg rou.te, or a.dop.tion…. Both of them are truly expensive options, but we will see once we get there. I have come to terms with the fact that there is a possibility that I will not be biologically related to our future child, or children….. and I am completely at peace with it.
And if for some reason, neither option turn out for us, I am sure I will be fine too.
I will be forever grateful for what I have, for as long as I have it.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
A humble request....
A few months ago, I asked you to pray for MckMama and baby Stellan the very day she was delivering him, as he had been having heart problems while in the womb and the doctors didn’t know how his heart was going to work once he was born. While in the womb, MckMama was medicated to help the baby’s heart and it improved a lot, but at the end they needed to wean her from the medication and we were all blown away when little Stellan was born happy and healthy. During his firsts months of his life he didn’t show any sign of heart failure at all.
This past weekend, with no warning, Stellan´s heart started to show signs of failure again and went to the hospital. He is still there, fighting for his life but things are looking serious and the doctors haven’t been able to stabilize his heart rate.
One more prayer request, yesterday one year ago, one of my ob´s twin daughters went to heaven. As you can imagine it has been a very difficult year for his family.
Please have these two sweet families in your thoughts and prayers.
This past weekend, with no warning, Stellan´s heart started to show signs of failure again and went to the hospital. He is still there, fighting for his life but things are looking serious and the doctors haven’t been able to stabilize his heart rate.
One more prayer request, yesterday one year ago, one of my ob´s twin daughters went to heaven. As you can imagine it has been a very difficult year for his family.
Please have these two sweet families in your thoughts and prayers.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Birthday wish
My birthday is coming.
Today at lunch I was asked to give a “suggestion gift” list. I sat there, thought about it and just smiled….
…because, yes, there is just this one thing in my mind,
…just one more,
… but it is something that can´t be bought and wrapped, and I am fully aware that maybe is not meant to be for me, for our family,
…and that´s OK,
….I know that if that's the case, I will be OK,
…but it doesn´t keep me from wishing and dreaming,
…because a girl can dream and wish, right???
…. So I just smiled back, the conversation changed to a different subject and my heart felt safe again.
Today at lunch I was asked to give a “suggestion gift” list. I sat there, thought about it and just smiled….
…because, yes, there is just this one thing in my mind,
…just one more,
… but it is something that can´t be bought and wrapped, and I am fully aware that maybe is not meant to be for me, for our family,
…and that´s OK,
….I know that if that's the case, I will be OK,
…but it doesn´t keep me from wishing and dreaming,
…because a girl can dream and wish, right???
…. So I just smiled back, the conversation changed to a different subject and my heart felt safe again.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Don't miss....
To be focused on the shadows of the past and the unknowns of the future is to miss out on the blessings of the present….
.....life is too short, don’t miss anything!
.....life is too short, don’t miss anything!
Monday, February 23, 2009
Making my grass greener....
Wow, we had a great weekend. The weather was nice and we enjoyed it.
AF arrived last Friday as I anticipated, it has been as usual, no cramps, bloating or anything in between, but I never have symptoms so I am happy that this pills are doing what they are supposed to without giving me issues. I am starting the second round of B..C..P.. tomorrow.
I have been feeling great lately, and I am extremely happy about it. I have been focusing on really putting things into perspective and working every day not to loose it….
…. And I have found peace about all this, about my life, about what can or can´t be, about uncertainty. I never give up, never….. I didn’t do it when I was first diagnosed and we didn’t have our daughter. much less now!.....One thing, for sure, that has helped this time, a lot, is the joy of having our daughter. I am not going to sugarcoat things, IF is still IF and it hurts, it is just that even though it hurts it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to because there are many other things that mitigate that hurt and that is exactly what I have been working on and I believe it is starting to pay off.
I see things differently, I try to stay on the positive side and it is helping me to turn what I don’t like into a good thing; something to learn and grow as a person as I have come to realize that if I can’t change or control what is happening, I sure can control the way I react and therefore the impact it all will have on me, on my family, on our everyday life and on our future. I have never been the type of person who just sit and cry when something goes wrong…. I need to move on, keeping the good side to treasure it. It works for me and it has helped to make my grass look greener…..
…it is not always easy, and sometimes it takes a lot of rain to make my grass look nice but the ending result is awesome…. And Spring is coming soon, so I better work hard NOW or it won’t be ready for the flower!!!....
AF arrived last Friday as I anticipated, it has been as usual, no cramps, bloating or anything in between, but I never have symptoms so I am happy that this pills are doing what they are supposed to without giving me issues. I am starting the second round of B..C..P.. tomorrow.
I have been feeling great lately, and I am extremely happy about it. I have been focusing on really putting things into perspective and working every day not to loose it….
…. And I have found peace about all this, about my life, about what can or can´t be, about uncertainty. I never give up, never….. I didn’t do it when I was first diagnosed and we didn’t have our daughter. much less now!.....One thing, for sure, that has helped this time, a lot, is the joy of having our daughter. I am not going to sugarcoat things, IF is still IF and it hurts, it is just that even though it hurts it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to because there are many other things that mitigate that hurt and that is exactly what I have been working on and I believe it is starting to pay off.
I see things differently, I try to stay on the positive side and it is helping me to turn what I don’t like into a good thing; something to learn and grow as a person as I have come to realize that if I can’t change or control what is happening, I sure can control the way I react and therefore the impact it all will have on me, on my family, on our everyday life and on our future. I have never been the type of person who just sit and cry when something goes wrong…. I need to move on, keeping the good side to treasure it. It works for me and it has helped to make my grass look greener…..
…it is not always easy, and sometimes it takes a lot of rain to make my grass look nice but the ending result is awesome…. And Spring is coming soon, so I better work hard NOW or it won’t be ready for the flower!!!....
.....Stay tuned for the blooming season!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
...all I have for now
Yesterday I took the last pill of the first B..C..P.. package so I guess I will have my period by the end of the week. I am fortunate enough to say that I have been feeling great, no side effects at all. Sometimes I am emotional, yes, but I have been emotional for a while now, so it is not caused by the pills.
It is ironic that if we actually want to get pregnant again, I am taking pills to do the exact opposite!.... I know, I know…. We are giving my ovaries a break so they just get some rest, relax, and see if they are up to a little bit, at least a little bit, more work afterwards. I guess I will need to have a long talk with them in the coming months, maybe, - JUST maybe - if I am sweet enough, I can convince them to help us out a little!
I have not written about it, but for the second time, our OB told me I am more than ready to have my own fer.ti.li.ty clinic because I just know so much about it. It all started when we were trying to coordinate dates, because the T travels a lot and, ahemmm, I guess I need him here on the right dates to actually try to get pregnant…. So I was just looking at the calendar and talking to myself, but he and the T were listening, and then he said it…. I just laughed, and told him that when you are diagnosed with something you didn´t even know existed, well you have two options, one is to just sit and cry, the other one is sit, cry, and then try to learn and understand what is going on….. I believe he is much more used to the girls that just sit, cry and call her momma, well I am much more on the learning and proactive side. Not that it is better to be on this side, but at least it makes things easier for all of us.
It is all looking good now, today I am extremely happy to be
who I am,
where I am,
how I am, …
…no matter if it involves a underactive thyroid and a pair of lazy ovaries…because I am fully aware it ALSO involves a TON of great things I wouldn´t trade for anything….
….and this happiness if enough to last through the end of TODAY, and TODAY is all I have for now!
It is ironic that if we actually want to get pregnant again, I am taking pills to do the exact opposite!.... I know, I know…. We are giving my ovaries a break so they just get some rest, relax, and see if they are up to a little bit, at least a little bit, more work afterwards. I guess I will need to have a long talk with them in the coming months, maybe, - JUST maybe - if I am sweet enough, I can convince them to help us out a little!
I have not written about it, but for the second time, our OB told me I am more than ready to have my own fer.ti.li.ty clinic because I just know so much about it. It all started when we were trying to coordinate dates, because the T travels a lot and, ahemmm, I guess I need him here on the right dates to actually try to get pregnant…. So I was just looking at the calendar and talking to myself, but he and the T were listening, and then he said it…. I just laughed, and told him that when you are diagnosed with something you didn´t even know existed, well you have two options, one is to just sit and cry, the other one is sit, cry, and then try to learn and understand what is going on….. I believe he is much more used to the girls that just sit, cry and call her momma, well I am much more on the learning and proactive side. Not that it is better to be on this side, but at least it makes things easier for all of us.
It is all looking good now, today I am extremely happy to be
who I am,
where I am,
how I am, …
…no matter if it involves a underactive thyroid and a pair of lazy ovaries…because I am fully aware it ALSO involves a TON of great things I wouldn´t trade for anything….
….and this happiness if enough to last through the end of TODAY, and TODAY is all I have for now!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Signs
Strange things happen those days when I am being emotional over every little thing....
When I least expect it I get across situations to learn from and to, once more, be grateful for being who I am, where I am and how I got here.... Lessons that one way, or another, let me know that I am being cared for, ....that I am not alone.
"Faith is about risk. Too many people want it to be without risk, and because it isn't, they choose not to believe. To have faith is to have courage. Faith means taking a risk that God is really there. There is a reward for that risk, eventually, and it's called KNOWING. Eventually, faith gives you evidence of the existence of a higher being. Without taking the risk, you can never get to the knowing, and you reinforce your disbelief. Risk is the currency of life, and in the same vein, it's the ticket to meeting God."
Thursday, February 12, 2009
The plan....
Everything went well yesterday at our appointment. We had a very long talk, we were there for almost 2 hours. I am really pleased with our OB, we were really grateful that he spent that much time talking to us about the situation and answering our questions.
The conclusions were what we suspected and knew. My ovaries are showing a non responsive pattern for the second time and there is no way to find out if really this is it, or if, like the other time, after a “reset” and little help they will get active once again. The main thing is that, clearly, they are slowing down and time plays a huge role here. If we want a biological sibling for our daughter we can´t wait to start trying because as time goes by it becomes more and more difficult, considering the circumstances.
The plan for now is to do 3 cycles of B..C..P.. (I am already in cycle 1) and then a monitoring cycle, without stims, to see how are my ovaries responding after the 3-month reset period. If we are lucky enough to have ovarian activity, depending on how things are looking, will decide if we do an I..U..I.. or try on our own for that cycle. If there is little or no ovarian response we will discuss if a cycle with stims is a chance worth trying or not. We didn´t get into much detail about this other options, we will cross that bridge once we get there.
I have been very emotional these days. I just pray everyday to be strong, at peace and grafetful. Don’t get me wrong, I know this whole thing is not the end of the world, it is simply that in.fer.ti.li.ty hurt feeling that gets to me sometimes despite my hard efforts to push it away, because, I already have so much….. -REALLY -...but even though my brain understands it pretty well, my heart just shrinks every now and then.
The conclusions were what we suspected and knew. My ovaries are showing a non responsive pattern for the second time and there is no way to find out if really this is it, or if, like the other time, after a “reset” and little help they will get active once again. The main thing is that, clearly, they are slowing down and time plays a huge role here. If we want a biological sibling for our daughter we can´t wait to start trying because as time goes by it becomes more and more difficult, considering the circumstances.
The plan for now is to do 3 cycles of B..C..P.. (I am already in cycle 1) and then a monitoring cycle, without stims, to see how are my ovaries responding after the 3-month reset period. If we are lucky enough to have ovarian activity, depending on how things are looking, will decide if we do an I..U..I.. or try on our own for that cycle. If there is little or no ovarian response we will discuss if a cycle with stims is a chance worth trying or not. We didn´t get into much detail about this other options, we will cross that bridge once we get there.
I have been very emotional these days. I just pray everyday to be strong, at peace and grafetful. Don’t get me wrong, I know this whole thing is not the end of the world, it is simply that in.fer.ti.li.ty hurt feeling that gets to me sometimes despite my hard efforts to push it away, because, I already have so much….. -REALLY -...but even though my brain understands it pretty well, my heart just shrinks every now and then.
Monday, February 9, 2009
....It is just the beginning
I just came back from vacation, much needed vacation!!!!.... We had a great time and were able to relax a lot and just enjoy ourselves.
We have an appointment with my OB this coming Wednesday afternoon. We will discuss the plan and some questions we have about it.
I have a lot of mixed feelings about this entire situation, it is difficult. I want so much to give a sibling to our daughter but then I am scared, I am scared of the emotional toll to be paid if things don’t turn out or, turn out and then go wrong….. I feel that I have already gotten so much with our daughter that wanting more is being greedy, but on the other hand I am pretty sure that if I just don´t do anything I will regret later on and I will carry on my mind the “What if I have had tried….” question forever.
….and this is just the beginning, let´s pray each day brings new joy, happiness and renewed hope as the one I found today in Kathy's blog….
Dear Kathy, you are truly an inspiration. I can´t wait to hear more about this new chapter in your life. It will certainly be something to look forward in this coming 8 months!
We have an appointment with my OB this coming Wednesday afternoon. We will discuss the plan and some questions we have about it.
I have a lot of mixed feelings about this entire situation, it is difficult. I want so much to give a sibling to our daughter but then I am scared, I am scared of the emotional toll to be paid if things don’t turn out or, turn out and then go wrong….. I feel that I have already gotten so much with our daughter that wanting more is being greedy, but on the other hand I am pretty sure that if I just don´t do anything I will regret later on and I will carry on my mind the “What if I have had tried….” question forever.
….and this is just the beginning, let´s pray each day brings new joy, happiness and renewed hope as the one I found today in Kathy's blog….
Dear Kathy, you are truly an inspiration. I can´t wait to hear more about this new chapter in your life. It will certainly be something to look forward in this coming 8 months!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
New year, …new beginnings!
I have been gone for a long time. I was busy and for some reason I didn’t feel like posting, but I read all of your posts.
I have a lot of things to share. I believe this is going to be a long post. So please make yourself comfortable and here we go…
Our daughter just turned 9 months old. I really have no words to describe how much we are enjoying this parenting adventure. I never imagined it was going to be so much fun!
She is doing great, eating lots of solids and trying very hard to crawl. She has been on formula for some time now and the transition from beast milk to formula was really easy, she didn’t care at all.
The T is doing great!... He committed to loose weight 6 months ago and he is doing so well. On the other hand I am trying not to loose to much weight, actually trying to gain some.
I had a full check up last December and thankfully everything came back great. My thyroid is still a little under active, so I am taking my medication everyday and I felt pretty good until last week. I started having night sweats, and as I am tracking my cycles, I noticed no fertile cervical fluid at all and it just didn’t seem right. After I stopped lactating I was extremely happy to have my cycles back. I know this may seem odd to a lot of people, but I really was excited because I have had a very clear pattern of Pre.mat.ure O.va.rian Fai.lure before and back then I stopped cycling like that. My hormone levels were pretty much the ones a woman is supposed to have at me.no.pause. My ovaries were lazy enough to go on strike and it is really unpredictable if they were going to work again someday, or not. It seemed that my o.va.rian re.ser.ve was getting to its end and we had no kids…. And we wanted kids…. So this was not good….. at all!
….I went from one doctor to the next, and then to an endocrinologist and somehow, magically, after cutting back on exercise and incorporating extra supplements to my diet I started cycling again…and the cycles and my hormone levels totally reverted. They were as good as the ones of a healthy teenager. We and the doctors were happy, and even though it took several months, we took advantage of that great trend and got pregnant on our own. We all took a deep breath and the pregnancy was really uneventful until well, the very end when I had partial placental abruption and our daughter was born prematurely, in very difficult conditions. God decided she needed to stay a bit longer here on earth and she is still on “loan” with us, thankfully!
….Now, after 3 normal cycles post lactation, the night sweats and the lack of fer.tile cer.vi.cal flu.id made me suspect I had stopped cycling again and well, it was confirmed last Monday. My hormomes are once again in meno.pau.sal levels. I went to see my endocrinologist yesterday and she concurred, but considering I´ve just had 3 normal periods she believes I am not fu.lly me.no.pau.sal, but pe.ri. me.no.pau.sal. instead. We don´t know if this will be the end of my fer.ti.le stage of life, and the T and I really want to give a sibling to our daughter.
So, it seems we will be on one of those roller coaster rides in the months ahead. Yesterday, at my appointment with the endocrinologist, we called my OB, and they both concurred that, if we really want a biological sibling to our daughter, we can´t wait any longer. They suggest to go on a 3 month period of B..C..P.. and then an stimulation cycle with injections and most likely in.se.mi.na.tion.
The T didn´t have a chance to go with me to the appointment yesterday. We talked about all this at night and well, it is all happening too fast. It seems that we agreed to go ahead with this plan but we still have questions to discuss with our OB, hopefully the second week of next month. For now, I have started the B..C..P..
Oh my….. I can´t believe we are just about to embark on this journey, I hope and pray to have the strength to wake each day with a smile on my face, grateful for what I already have and finding peace with whatever the final outcome is!
I have a lot of things to share. I believe this is going to be a long post. So please make yourself comfortable and here we go…
Our daughter just turned 9 months old. I really have no words to describe how much we are enjoying this parenting adventure. I never imagined it was going to be so much fun!
She is doing great, eating lots of solids and trying very hard to crawl. She has been on formula for some time now and the transition from beast milk to formula was really easy, she didn’t care at all.
The T is doing great!... He committed to loose weight 6 months ago and he is doing so well. On the other hand I am trying not to loose to much weight, actually trying to gain some.
I had a full check up last December and thankfully everything came back great. My thyroid is still a little under active, so I am taking my medication everyday and I felt pretty good until last week. I started having night sweats, and as I am tracking my cycles, I noticed no fertile cervical fluid at all and it just didn’t seem right. After I stopped lactating I was extremely happy to have my cycles back. I know this may seem odd to a lot of people, but I really was excited because I have had a very clear pattern of Pre.mat.ure O.va.rian Fai.lure before and back then I stopped cycling like that. My hormone levels were pretty much the ones a woman is supposed to have at me.no.pause. My ovaries were lazy enough to go on strike and it is really unpredictable if they were going to work again someday, or not. It seemed that my o.va.rian re.ser.ve was getting to its end and we had no kids…. And we wanted kids…. So this was not good….. at all!
….I went from one doctor to the next, and then to an endocrinologist and somehow, magically, after cutting back on exercise and incorporating extra supplements to my diet I started cycling again…and the cycles and my hormone levels totally reverted. They were as good as the ones of a healthy teenager. We and the doctors were happy, and even though it took several months, we took advantage of that great trend and got pregnant on our own. We all took a deep breath and the pregnancy was really uneventful until well, the very end when I had partial placental abruption and our daughter was born prematurely, in very difficult conditions. God decided she needed to stay a bit longer here on earth and she is still on “loan” with us, thankfully!
….Now, after 3 normal cycles post lactation, the night sweats and the lack of fer.tile cer.vi.cal flu.id made me suspect I had stopped cycling again and well, it was confirmed last Monday. My hormomes are once again in meno.pau.sal levels. I went to see my endocrinologist yesterday and she concurred, but considering I´ve just had 3 normal periods she believes I am not fu.lly me.no.pau.sal, but pe.ri. me.no.pau.sal. instead. We don´t know if this will be the end of my fer.ti.le stage of life, and the T and I really want to give a sibling to our daughter.
So, it seems we will be on one of those roller coaster rides in the months ahead. Yesterday, at my appointment with the endocrinologist, we called my OB, and they both concurred that, if we really want a biological sibling to our daughter, we can´t wait any longer. They suggest to go on a 3 month period of B..C..P.. and then an stimulation cycle with injections and most likely in.se.mi.na.tion.
The T didn´t have a chance to go with me to the appointment yesterday. We talked about all this at night and well, it is all happening too fast. It seems that we agreed to go ahead with this plan but we still have questions to discuss with our OB, hopefully the second week of next month. For now, I have started the B..C..P..
Oh my….. I can´t believe we are just about to embark on this journey, I hope and pray to have the strength to wake each day with a smile on my face, grateful for what I already have and finding peace with whatever the final outcome is!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
